Leah's Back On Drugs

So much of this process has been about exercising control. We are in control over what we do, but that hasn't lead to any success or any results. We gave up control, to our fate and to God, and that didn't work. So now we have ceded control over Leah's body to the Fertility Treatment Center. It feels often that we're along for the ride.

I feel very much like we are children again. We are supposed to follow directions, to show up on time, to be good listeners generally and not to ask the questions that come with being an adult. We have gained control over our reproductive future by relinquishing control of our reproductive future.

Much of the way that the treatment has worked on Leah is by making sure that she's a blank slate. The IVF cycle began with Leah going on birth control for 28 full days. After her eggs were retrieved, her cycle completed and now she is on it again. She has completed 17 days of birth control and has gone off the Pill for hopefully the last time. Tomorrow she has another ultrasound and blood draw.

Leah is also on a new drug, Lupron (leuprolide acetate), 20 units per day. It's not quite as fun as the other drugs. The Lupron comes in a little box containing a large vial and a bunch of alcohol wipes and tiny syringes. The syringes are the same ones that diabetics use to administer insulin.

I wake up in the morning to give Leah her shot. The syringe is small, like the Ovidrel. There's only 0.2 ml that I inject; the syringe is more narrow than a #2 pencil. I have to wipe the top of the ampoule with one alcohol swab to assure a sterile environment, and draw the medicine directly into the syringe. It's much harder to see bubbles in the small syringe, and I don't want to waste medicine clearing the needle. I don't want to be the one husband who gives his wife an embolism; I watch Leah closely after I give her the injection.

The lupron is given subcutaneously. Leah's used to the shots at this point. She covers her face with the pillow more out of habit than from any real fear, but today's injection seemed to be hard going in. Because the needle is so small, she hasn't bruised at the injection sites.

Lynn says that the Lupron is going to "quiet" Leah's ovaries. They don't want Leah producing an egg or allowing Leah's body to build its own uterine lining before the embryo transfer. The lupron will be administered for the first 15 days of Leah's cycle, and will stop eleven days before the embryo transfer. FTC will take over the job of Leah's ovaries for this next month.

The side effect of the Lupron was immediate. The embryos must be what's in charge of estrogen production, because Leah immediately became more aggressive and angry once the Lupron started. Leah has done a good job of hiding what must be significant emotional side effects of taking such massive amounts of hormomes during the IVF cycle. She says that there are times when she wants to do nothing but cry, but when she's with me, she seems like her normal self. But on the lupron Leah has been quick to anger. She's also much more motivated to exercise than I have seen her since our wedding. On the lupron, she's found a way to work out at least 30 minutes per day and hasn't complained about going to the gym with me.

We are mentally, spiritually, and physically prepared to have a child. Leah and I are getting along well; neither of us are stressed at all. I feel like we are closer for having gone through this process. I certainly know more about her than I ever have before (I could draw a picture of her uterus freehand now), and she has strength inside her that I cannot comprehend. We are both really hopeful and confident that we are going to have success.

I hope that fertilizing the egg is the hardest part. We have the hoping for the best down, but there's a creeping part of my mind that is trying to prepare for the worst. I'm not sure I know how to.